Good God man! Why don't you just send me that postal address for payment? - An ongoing adventure messing with a Nigerian email scam artist

Perhaps I could just be a dreamer, in hoping that this exchange continues on forever. But I hope it can. Even more importantly, I need better ideas on how to mess with this idiot's head.

Should I have a meltdown? Start threatening him if he doesn't cooperate? Should I start insulting his mother? Should I tell him I'll have a curse put on him? Should I befriend him, and ask for way too personal. advice?

He's a rip-off, and a fraud, so I don't exactly feel bad for wasting his time. He makes his living conning people out of their money, only to dash their hopes on the rocks of gullibility. So I don't mind the thought of getting his hopes up. I just need to pick the best way to do exactly that, in as painful of a way for him, as possible. Suggestions are being taken. Make them in my comment box.

Better than just doing something totally stupid to be a fool for you (Yes, I am your dancing bear fool) I'd love to hear what you'd like me to do. Give me your suggestions, and that's the behavior I'll give dummy. Name it. I'll be abusive. I'll be stupid. I'll use all sorts of incorrect terminology to such an extent, he'll believe he's just dealing with another Nigerian email scammer. I need ideas, people!

***********************************************

Since I hadn't heard from "Senator David Jabi" in a whole 24 hours, I figured it's time to send him an indignant message, questioning his lack of activity. I hope you enjoy (Okay, admittedly, this isn't indignant enough. I suck. I am not worthy.):

Subject line: Good God man! Why don't you just send me that postal address for payment?

Dnia 23 marca 2011 17:46 Dad Anus napisał (Is that the word for "wrote" in Nigerian? I don't know!):

I really want to collect on my uncle Richard's inheritance. Please, we can do this the easy way, and you send me that postal mailing address.

There's no need to bother with Western Onion, and cash is not traceable. Like I said, I'm willing to pay extra, for your trouble.

Please get in touch with me as soon as possible.

-Dad Anus
*******************************************

Of course, he's all concerned and stuff about the safety of my funds, right? So, Idiot boy replies:

From: senatordavid-jabi
To: Dad Anus
Sent: Wed, March 23, 2011 12:22:35 PM
Subject: Re: Good God, man! Why have you not sent me that postal address yet?

Sir the only option that we accept is western union or money gram.
The policy cannot be change because you. Bear in mind that you are not the only person going through this. (What the heck? He actually used the correct spelling of "bear." How on Earth did he manage that?)

If you are ready to receive the inheritance follow my directives I will not disappoint you. The receipt of the western union or money gram that you pay will be used to issue the waiver clearance on your behalf in our high court here.

If you send the money by mailing it will take couple of weeks before it will get here. We don’t accept payment by mailing for security reasons.
*****************************************

Well, that's just not acceptable. I need an actual mailing address, where I can send my Monopoly money. I don't think either Western Union, or Money Gram will let me wire Monopoly money. So I reply:

No. I checked with the US Postal Service. They tell me a package can get to you within a week, and they can even insure it.

I'll gladly pay you double, if you accept cash. What do you say?

-Dad Anus
*****************************************

Pardon the brevity of my last reply. I really don't know what the heck I'm doing. My hopes here are only to keep him strung along, and make him waste the maximum amount of time possible.

But, even in the best of scenarios, this won't last much longer. Even a dumb ass Nigerian email scammer can't be that stupid. But we'll see just how long he keeps replying. The longer he communicates with me, the more fun this will be. I'll be ramping up the action, soon.

This is all just a story of me screwing with a Nigerian email scam lowlife,
which begins here. I think I'm just a wee bit bored.

Maybe I'm just not serious – an update from Senator David Jabi

Well, well, well. My buddy Senator David Jabi aka Iyke Okafor finally replied. He didn't share any stories of my...uncle...but he is displaying the tiniest bit of skepticism. Or, is he going for pressure tactics? His manner of “speech” (is that what you call it in text?) seems a little different than other communications. This leads me to believe I'm dealing with multiple people.

Here's his latest message:

Note below was the mail that I sent to you, I don’t think that you are serious in getting your over due funds here. May be you still hope that going through the bank door with the impostors will help you.
How could you say that you want to send the money through posting it will not get to here, the postal authorities will steal the money.

(and of course he repeats his request for the information he's wanting.)

Dear Sir.

Your mail has been received. I am giving you 100% guarantee that I will help you to get your over due funds if you follow my directives.
Please fill out the space below and forward back with the payment of $240 dollars through western union.
Send the money with the name below.

NAME: IYKE OKAFOR
ADDRESS: LAGOS NIGERIA.
QUESTION: WHO IS GOOD.
ANSWER: MY GOD


1} Your Full Name
2} Your Phone and Fax Numbers
3} Your Company Address and Position
4} Your receiving bank details were the fund worth $15,5million dollars will be transfer.


As soon as this information are received, with the western union Mtcn your approve payment will be made to you in a smooth wire transfer through central bank of Nigeria.
Call me on my direct telephone number Tel: +234-708-840-8001

Regards,
Senator David Jabi.
********************************************************************
Well. Since he's so obviously concerned with making sure I get my inheritance, I feel I must reply, with a message of trust in such an obviously good man, right? All the while doing my best impersonation of him. I do this for you, the reader. Because you're worth it to me. Oh yeah. Before you ask me, I said “regal autonomy court.” And yes, I bounce between using "Western Union" and "Western Onion." I know, I know. Every grammatical error is on purpose...I think. I may give this guy a terrible lesson in the vernacular before we're done. I wish I could give him a disease.

I reply:

Re: Why are you so delayed in your response to simple questions?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 7:31 AM
From:
"Dad Anus”
To: "senatordavid-jabi"


Of course I'm serious. I'm just wanting to make sure you're being for real. The use of Western Onion is what causes me trepidation. I'd be a lot more comfortable sending either cash, or a certified check.

If you're willing to accept cash or certified check, and can provide a mailing address for me to send it to, I'll be willing to pay an additional surcharge. Even double would be a pittance compared to the receipt of $15.5 million US.

Do you see my point? What you do with the surcharge, is entirely your decision.

Senator Jabi, please understand. Losing my Uncle Richard was a hard enough loss on the family. Knowing that his fortune is falling into the hands of strangers - or even worse a regal autonomy court of a foreign land - makes the loss nearly unbearable.

With all of the risks involved of a foreign transaction via Western Union, I'm just more comfortable sending one of his friends the cash directly. And, like I said, I will gladly pay you a premium. Which is a hint.

You knew him, right? At the very least, You and he must have somehow been affiliated in some way, or how else would God allow you such a burdensome responsibility? God bless you and praise the lord. Why would you not trust me with sending you the monies in cash?

-Dad Anus.
************************************************************

I can only hope my crappy rendition of his crappy handling of the crappy English language is crappy enough to be equal to this guy. You should also know that, during all of this, I'm forwarding all emails requesting donations for political causes to him with a subject line of “What Do You Know of This?” And I'm considering asking him for personal advice...very personal advice. What would you recommend I ask him about?

This is a continuation of a fun little adventure on the Interwebz thingy
which began here.

Why Are you So Delayed in Answering Simple Questions?

Sigh. I guess he's onto me, already. "Senator David Jabi" has not answered my last email request for a story about my dead whatever relative in Nigeria. Nor has he sent me a postal mailing address for me to send my payment of $240 USD, in order to facilitate my wire transfer of $15.5 million dollars USD.

So, at the very least, I'm going to give it just one more try to get a response. At least I want him to think he's had no more luck than to have encountered another Nigerian email scam operator. Yup, crappy English and all. If he replies at all, I'll include the message here But this is what I just sent asshat:

Flag this message
Subject line: Why are you so delayed in your response to simple questions?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011 7:53 AM
From:
"Dad Anus"
View contact details
To:
senatordavid-jabi@o2.pl
Greetings,

I have determined that you are avoiding the situation. That is why you have not responded. This is not acceptable from a government administrator of any country, especially one as esteemed as Nigeria.

It would seem you would be willing to accept a cash payment, in lieu of a Western Onion transfer, but I have heard nothing.

The fact that you claim to have known one of my family, also bespeaks that you would be able to relay me one final story from the life of his later days upon this Earth.

I am disappointed in you. Are you not a legitimate representative? Are you a fraud? It is imperative that you respond with at the very least an address for me to send my payment of $240 cash USD to, in order to facilitate the transfer of my $15.5 million dollars, with urgency.

I await your reply.

-Dad Anus

Now folks, I'm pretty new at this, so please forgive any inconsistencies on my part. I really doubt hooking one of these idiots will be as easy as I thought. Not all criminals are entirely stupid. In fact, not only can anyone be clever, these folks are a part of a vast network. Shit, they could be reading this right now. In which case, this exchange is truly over, and I'll have to find another. But I really hope he replies with a story about my dead whatever relative.

Oh, by the way, since he's a Senator and all, I'm now forwarding all of those emails for political contributions I get to him. Heck, maybe he'll want some porn spam, too. I don't know. I'm a little leery to even open those. Anyway, here's to hoping he replies.

To see where this story begins, go here.

The reasons I have not been paid – Oh my!

So, I'm going through my emails as usual, and what do I see but yet another dumbass email from Nigeria. This one carries a subject line of “The Reasons You Have Not Been Paid,” and it's from one “David Jabi.”

Now, as we all know, these sorts of emails are sent out en masse by assholes in Nigeria, hoping to find an American dumb enough to be greedy for something not theirs. The idea is if they get someone wanting someone else's inheritance, they'll trick them into paying for nothing. They're just so unique and imaginative, huh?

This time, curiosity gets the better of me, and I open it up. Following, the text of the message (All of the mis-spellings and improper English is theirs. I'd eat my own left big toe before I'd send out an email this crappily written.):

From: Senator David Jabi.
Senator Federal republic of Nigeria
Chairman Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs

Greetings

Reason why you have not been paid!

After thorough study on your file, we discovered that a minor/simple matter that could have been taken care of from unset has been the cause of your calamities; hence your payment has been delayed.

This was an expensive mistake made by your so called agents/ representatives. Hence the fate you suffered all this period spending money in vain trying to collect your payment.

From my findings your name and data's are not registered in the federal government
inheritance contract bulletin with the corporate affairs. Take note any foreign payment/inheritance that is not listed there is considered illegal, thus will not receive the desired payment attention by any payment officer/agent, because it is not in the
Federal government official payment gazette; hence the beneficiary struggles in vain as in your case.

Do you want me to believe that no one has told you this before? This is the truth you ought to know. But I wonder why your so called agents/representatives over looked such
important matter over the years- Never mind, it is a simple matter to treat and you receive your payment.

This will only cost you $240 to get your data's fixed in there with a waiver
Certificate to exonerate form paying further charges.

Yours faithfully,
Senator David Jabi.
Chairman Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs.

Being tired of these lame, unimaginative criminal types, I figure it's time to go into some major wasting of their time. I replied with:

Oh no!

PLEASE! Help me fix this situation immediately!

What must I do?

-Dad Anus*

If my readers express an interest in following this, I'll gladly share the progress of just how far this fool will let me take this. I'm pretty sure that $240 US is a considerable sum is the asshole of the world - Nigeria - and the effort might be considered worth it to them. Surely, I can lead them on to a severe level of frustration. You guys wanna follow along? Or, should I drop this? Would you enjoy seeing how far we can take this? Please, let me know.

UPDATE! I've been advised by one friend to send either a fake check, or perhaps Monopoly money. I'm gonna go with Monopoly money. By godlings, that sounds like some fun grok!

Our friend "David" isn't responding fast enough for my tastes. So I just sent him a follow-up message of:

Subject line: Hey! I just read your instructions!
Monday, March 21, 2011 3:56 PM

To:
senatordavid-jabi@o2.pl
So, where do I send the payment of $240 to? Do you accept credit cards? Certified checks? Cash?

Come on. I really want to get the payment to you, so please advise me of my next move.

Thank you.

-Dad Anus

Let's see how this unfolds.

* The name is not my original idea. I chose this one, in homage to a classic scammer time-waster, which you can enjoy here. THAT guy is one of my heroes.

Hey! He finally gave me a response! Read about it here.