Mar 21, 2011

The reasons I have not been paid – Oh my!

So, I'm going through my emails as usual, and what do I see but yet another dumbass email from Nigeria. This one carries a subject line of “The Reasons You Have Not Been Paid,” and it's from one “David Jabi.”

Now, as we all know, these sorts of emails are sent out en masse by assholes in Nigeria, hoping to find an American dumb enough to be greedy for something not theirs. The idea is if they get someone wanting someone else's inheritance, they'll trick them into paying for nothing. They're just so unique and imaginative, huh?

This time, curiosity gets the better of me, and I open it up. Following, the text of the message (All of the mis-spellings and improper English is theirs. I'd eat my own left big toe before I'd send out an email this crappily written.):

From: Senator David Jabi.
Senator Federal republic of Nigeria
Chairman Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs


Reason why you have not been paid!

After thorough study on your file, we discovered that a minor/simple matter that could have been taken care of from unset has been the cause of your calamities; hence your payment has been delayed.

This was an expensive mistake made by your so called agents/ representatives. Hence the fate you suffered all this period spending money in vain trying to collect your payment.

From my findings your name and data's are not registered in the federal government
inheritance contract bulletin with the corporate affairs. Take note any foreign payment/inheritance that is not listed there is considered illegal, thus will not receive the desired payment attention by any payment officer/agent, because it is not in the
Federal government official payment gazette; hence the beneficiary struggles in vain as in your case.

Do you want me to believe that no one has told you this before? This is the truth you ought to know. But I wonder why your so called agents/representatives over looked such
important matter over the years- Never mind, it is a simple matter to treat and you receive your payment.

This will only cost you $240 to get your data's fixed in there with a waiver
Certificate to exonerate form paying further charges.

Yours faithfully,
Senator David Jabi.
Chairman Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs.

Being tired of these lame, unimaginative criminal types, I figure it's time to go into some major wasting of their time. I replied with:

Oh no!

PLEASE! Help me fix this situation immediately!

What must I do?

-Dad Anus*

If my readers express an interest in following this, I'll gladly share the progress of just how far this fool will let me take this. I'm pretty sure that $240 US is a considerable sum is the asshole of the world - Nigeria - and the effort might be considered worth it to them. Surely, I can lead them on to a severe level of frustration. You guys wanna follow along? Or, should I drop this? Would you enjoy seeing how far we can take this? Please, let me know.

UPDATE! I've been advised by one friend to send either a fake check, or perhaps Monopoly money. I'm gonna go with Monopoly money. By godlings, that sounds like some fun grok!

Our friend "David" isn't responding fast enough for my tastes. So I just sent him a follow-up message of:

Subject line: Hey! I just read your instructions!
Monday, March 21, 2011 3:56 PM

So, where do I send the payment of $240 to? Do you accept credit cards? Certified checks? Cash?

Come on. I really want to get the payment to you, so please advise me of my next move.

Thank you.

-Dad Anus

Let's see how this unfolds.

* The name is not my original idea. I chose this one, in homage to a classic scammer time-waster, which you can enjoy here. THAT guy is one of my heroes.

Hey! He finally gave me a response! Read about it here.

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