Aug 5, 2011

The mystery of the mysterious orange goo: What is this shit?

What, exactly is the mysterious orange goo? While it might sound like the opening of a joke like “Blue Fluffy Stuff,” (Don't ask. We'd be here for a half an hour.) it's not. It's real, it's unexplainable so far, and it's not man-made.

In a report from The Christian Science monitor, folks are just baffled by the stuff. It's only recently the mysterious orange goo began washing up on the shore and covering the bay of Kivilina, Alaska, home of the world's only known branch of Inuit Aryans. A Coast Guard representative, Petty Officer David Mosely, assured us all, the mystery substance is not man-made (as far as we know, anyway), just before a glob of it attached itself to his face, and deposited its seed within his abdomen.

It seems important to repeat the mysterious orange goo is not believed to be man-made. Otherwise, a bunch of unattractive, badly-groomed environmentalist chicks in denim skirts and tie-dyed t-shirts will start threatening to bomb gas stations like they did over the ridiculous "little oopsie" by BP in the Gulf of Mexico. Then, 12 people with terrible fashion sense, and even worse hygiene (but excellent grass) will have a “national movement” and start protesting a helpless KFC in Roswell, New Mexico. (Power to the PEOPLE! YEAH!)

What leads me to believe the mysterious orange goo is an algae or a mold is that City Administrator Janet Mitchell says the stuff is showing up in resident's rain buckets. This would indicate the likelihood of it reproducing by air-borne spores. Still, until tests confirm what it is for sure, it could even be tiny alien invaders of some sort. I hope they don't eat much. Now, we get to see if Lady Gaga shows up for next concert wearing a dress made of this shit.
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2 Whaddya Think?:

Anonymous said...

It sounds like maybe some jelly fish are leaking, or perhaps blew up, lol.

D said...

Maybe. But then how does it end up in rain buckets?

And when will those environmentalist chicks learn about fashion? And hygiene?

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