Feb 26, 2012

How I Saved $1000 a Month by Shoplifting

Money's tight, even considering President Obama's amazing American economic recovery. Gas prices, rent, clothing, education, food and medical care costs continue to climb manifold yearly while personal income levels increase by around 10 percent annually - if you're lucky. The usual advice is to find a second – or even third – job or to find expenses to cut down on in life. Why go through all of that? I found a great way to save money on all fronts: theft.

I know what you're thinking. “Don, you can't be serious. Theft is wrong.” You're right. Theft is wrong. But I pretty much bought my ticket to hell by voting for George W. Bush and screwing every single one of my fellow Americans over back in 2000. So, what else can I possibly have to lose, right? In for a penny, in for a pound. Eternal damnation is eternal damnation after all.

It's a simple, two-fold process really. At first, anyone doing this will see a significant drop in their overall living expenses when there's no outlay of cash for gas in their vehicle. Just fill 'er up, leave the pump locked in place and lay it pumping on the ground so the convenience store clerk doesn't hear the tone signifying the stop and just drive away. This works best late at night when the clerk is busy cleaning the restrooms from other customers. And consider all those jobs you're creating by causing the gas spill.

When it comes to food, sausages are the easiest to steal. Just slip them down the front of your pants and if anyone asks “Hey, what's that bulge in the front of your jeans?” you get to either scream sexual harassment or just grab it, smile and ask, “You like it, huh?” Odds are good they'll be too embarrassed to say another word. At the very least, just punch them really hard and waddle away like the wind. Dressing rooms and a little sleight-of-hand with extra hangers at the local Wal-Mart will save you a fortune in new clothing each week.

But food, fuel and clothing are just the beginning. Taking these steps will also save you hundreds in rent and medical care too with the second phase of a life of crime. Once the police catch up to you - and they will - a year or two behind bars will save you thousands in rent and/or house payments. If you and your spouse make it a team effort, then the kids will be taken away too – and their expenses then become the burden of the local county government.

If you've made any major effort at all, there's a good chance at multiple years of prison time too. For someone paying $700 a month in rent, that's a savings of $8,400 yearly all by itself. While you're in jail, make sure to take advantage of all that free medical and dental care. Why look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

Other work by the author:
“My Review of Trojan Brand Ribbed-Flavored Bubble Gum”
“President Obama Demands Re-election”

Come read the Yahoo Voices version.

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