Mar 23, 2011

Maybe I'm just not serious – an update from Senator David Jabi

Well, well, well. My buddy Senator David Jabi aka Iyke Okafor finally replied. He didn't share any stories of my...uncle...but he is displaying the tiniest bit of skepticism. Or, is he going for pressure tactics? His manner of “speech” (is that what you call it in text?) seems a little different than other communications. This leads me to believe I'm dealing with multiple people.

Here's his latest message:

Note below was the mail that I sent to you, I don’t think that you are serious in getting your over due funds here. May be you still hope that going through the bank door with the impostors will help you.
How could you say that you want to send the money through posting it will not get to here, the postal authorities will steal the money.

(and of course he repeats his request for the information he's wanting.)

Dear Sir.

Your mail has been received. I am giving you 100% guarantee that I will help you to get your over due funds if you follow my directives.
Please fill out the space below and forward back with the payment of $240 dollars through western union.
Send the money with the name below.


1} Your Full Name
2} Your Phone and Fax Numbers
3} Your Company Address and Position
4} Your receiving bank details were the fund worth $15,5million dollars will be transfer.

As soon as this information are received, with the western union Mtcn your approve payment will be made to you in a smooth wire transfer through central bank of Nigeria.
Call me on my direct telephone number Tel: +234-708-840-8001

Senator David Jabi.
Well. Since he's so obviously concerned with making sure I get my inheritance, I feel I must reply, with a message of trust in such an obviously good man, right? All the while doing my best impersonation of him. I do this for you, the reader. Because you're worth it to me. Oh yeah. Before you ask me, I said “regal autonomy court.” And yes, I bounce between using "Western Union" and "Western Onion." I know, I know. Every grammatical error is on purpose...I think. I may give this guy a terrible lesson in the vernacular before we're done. I wish I could give him a disease.

I reply:

Re: Why are you so delayed in your response to simple questions?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 7:31 AM
"Dad Anus”
To: "senatordavid-jabi"

Of course I'm serious. I'm just wanting to make sure you're being for real. The use of Western Onion is what causes me trepidation. I'd be a lot more comfortable sending either cash, or a certified check.

If you're willing to accept cash or certified check, and can provide a mailing address for me to send it to, I'll be willing to pay an additional surcharge. Even double would be a pittance compared to the receipt of $15.5 million US.

Do you see my point? What you do with the surcharge, is entirely your decision.

Senator Jabi, please understand. Losing my Uncle Richard was a hard enough loss on the family. Knowing that his fortune is falling into the hands of strangers - or even worse a regal autonomy court of a foreign land - makes the loss nearly unbearable.

With all of the risks involved of a foreign transaction via Western Union, I'm just more comfortable sending one of his friends the cash directly. And, like I said, I will gladly pay you a premium. Which is a hint.

You knew him, right? At the very least, You and he must have somehow been affiliated in some way, or how else would God allow you such a burdensome responsibility? God bless you and praise the lord. Why would you not trust me with sending you the monies in cash?

-Dad Anus.

I can only hope my crappy rendition of his crappy handling of the crappy English language is crappy enough to be equal to this guy. You should also know that, during all of this, I'm forwarding all emails requesting donations for political causes to him with a subject line of “What Do You Know of This?” And I'm considering asking him for personal advice...very personal advice. What would you recommend I ask him about?

This is a continuation of a fun little adventure on the Interwebz thingy
which began here.

1 Whaddya Think?:

Christina Majaski said...

Omg. Western Onion. I find it disappointing that you and I are actually related. Nigerian Uncle Richard actually left all the cheese to me. Sorry.

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